a January 7, 2010 TELL ME ABOUT IT 'Good child' concerned about sis CAROLYN HAX Washington Post Q. My younger sister, "Alexis," is a college sophom*ore, and in the last year or so has gotten very into drinking with her friends (she is underage). It started because she is in a small town and said there was "nothing else to do on the weekends." In the past when friends drank, she would tell them they were being stupid and irresponsible. She now thinks it is funny to see her friends acting drunk, and has told me about their exploits on occasion. My concern i is not only for her well-being.
We have been fortunate enough to have parents willing and able to pay for our education. They are completely unaware that she is partying at school on their dime. I understand college is a time when most kids get a little crazy, but shouldn't she continue to behave well since my parents are footing the bill? Everyone keeps telling me she will regret her irresponsible choices and have to live with her mistakes, but it is of little comfort to me, the "good child." It irks me that she is getting away with this bad behavior, and I feel that if she doesn't face consequences, she will continue to take advantage of Mom and Dad's generosity. At the same time, I don't want to be a "tattletale," and she is over 18. Should I tell my parents, or is it none of my business? Not a Tattletale A.
So is it her risk-taking that upsets you more, or her getting away with it? Or, better question: If there were no Alexis, who would you be? Your letter demonstrates that you both were raised to value intelligence and responsibility. It's evident in her old, friend-scolding ways, and in hand-wringing over your parents' tuition spending. There's strong parental scaffolding around you both. Both of you are also in the throes of and unnerved by. finding out who you are when that scaffolding pulls away.
Alexis is going the route to selfhood, venturing into behavior she just finished condemning, back when she was still speaking in her parents' voice. You, meanwhile, are on the I-want-familiarity path, still using that parental voice. You're mother-henning your sister because that's what you learned from your parents whenever you strayed too far from the coop. Alexis will need a mother hen if you find out she's courting permanent harm with her partying habits bingeing, blacking out, driving under the influence. Short of that, her having a beer too many is none of your business, no matter whose dime it's on.
Remember, too, she's not "getting away with" anything; either she's keeping her grades up, and thus not squandering your parents' gift to her, or she's letting them slip, and your parents are getting reports of her squandered opportunities at the close of every term. Which brings me back to my main question: Without Alexis' bad-girl persona to make you the "good child," who are you? What's inside when there are no comparisons to be If being good matters to you, then be good for your own sake not to win a race for your' parents' approval. Find your own way, and give Alexis room to find hers. In other words: Your can.vassing "everyone" about her' "irresponsible Cut it out: E-mail Hax at tellme wash post.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at washingtonpost.com. The Plain Dealer Breaking news: cleveland.com MISS MANNERS Comparing worries can be tricky territory JUDITH MARTIN hiking out miles United Feature Syndicate base on their own as few as four Q.
In an e-mail from a high When he left, school friend with whom I had daughters calculated only recently reconnected, he of him making it told me about his pain at seeing was terrified the his daughter off at the airport was gone and as she headed for distant lands have resorted to to spend a year teaching Eng- cals if I hadn't lish. support from He followed this with the ily. comment that he was sure I'd In person, my understand because he knew almost always to my son had gone to Afghani- someone makes stan. mark. If the friend Miss Manners, as the destina- to me in person, tion would indicate, my son was have snapped not going off on some exciting "Oh, are you expecting cross-cultural adventure.
He be shooting at her?" was an Army Sapper. This was an e-mail, I means he and his squad were to consider, and MOVIES Terms Title Rating Showtimes AMC AMCEntertainment.com WEEKDAY ESCAPE All Shows Monday Thursday $4.25 excluding holiday periods. SE Special Engagement No Passes or Discount Tickets RIDGE PARK SQUARE 1-888-AMC-4FUN 1-480 Ridge Rd. CALL FOR SHOWS AND SHOWTIMES WESTWOOD TOWN CTR. 1-888-AMC-4FUN Mile West of W.
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2012.. (PG13) 10:20 PM 1 A V100 031 E5 away from any served to confuse. sometimes My son is home safe and solders. mostly OK. He's been disone of my charged with only some disabilthe odds ity.
Unfortunately, on that same home alive. I day, I got e-mails from some of entire time he the women who had family in would definitely my son's unit. One woman lost pharmaceuti- her son during that deployhad a wonderful ment. Another told me of her friends and fam- boy's hearing loss and posttraumatic stress disorder. The first impulse is third told of her nephew's strugbe nice when gles with recovering from sea careless re- vere brain trauma.
had said this So perhaps I am just feeling a even I might little overwrought. something like, My confusion stems from not people to knowing exactly when it is apbut since it propriate to drag out the soaphave had time box ever so gently, of course. that has only Should I say anything in my re- FILM CINEMA fc: 1. Terms Title Rating Showtimes CINEMARK WILLOUGHBY HILLS MOVIES 10 1-800-326-3264 Exp. The Plaza Chardon Rds.
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6:45 7:15 9:20 9:50 AVATAR IN REAL 3D (12:00 /3.20) 3D EVENT PRICING AVATAR IN REAL 30 (PG13). 6:50 10:15 3D EVENT PRICING AVATAR (12:30 1:00 4:20 4:50) AVATAR 7:50 8:20 PRECIOUS ID 10:30 DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? (12:05 2:45 5:15) 8:00 10:25 INVICTUS (12:15 3:45) 7:45 10:45 PRINCESS THE FROG (G). (11:55 2:15 4:35) 6:55 9:30 THE BLIND SIDE (1:20 4:25) 7:20 10:40 TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON (1:05 4:15) 7:25 10:20 2012 (12:25) 6:25 CHRISTMAS CAROL. (3:50) 10:00 CROCKER PARK STADIUM 16 (440) 871-7661 Detroit Road Crocker Road PURCHASE TICKETS ONLINE: www.fandango.com CHARGE TICKETS BY PHONE: 1-800-FANDANGO SHERLOCK HOLMES (PG13) (1:10 1:50 4:10 4:40) SHERLOCK HOLMES (PG13) 7:10 7:40 10:10 10:40 IT'S COMPLICATED ID (12:50 2:00 3.50 5:00) IT'S COMPLICATED ID (R) 6:50 8:00 9:40 10:50 NINE (PG13) (1:00 3:40) 6:30 9:20 YOUNG VICTORIA (1:40 4:20) 6:40 9:30 ALVIN THE CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) (11:50 12:20 2:20 2:50) ALVIN THE CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) (4:50 5:20) 7:20 7:50 ALVIN THE CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) 9:50 10:20 IN 3D (PG13) (12:00 12:30 3:30) 3D EVENT PRICING AVATAR IN 30 (PG13) (4:00) 7:00 7:30 3D EVENT PRICING AVATAR IN REAL 3D (PG13) 10:30 3D EVENT PRICING AVATAR (PG13) (3:00) 10:00 UP IN THE AIR ID REQ' (11:45 12:15 2:45 5:15) UP IN THE AIR ID REa'D. (R) 7:15 7:45 10:15 DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? (PG13) (11:30 1:55 4:25) 6:55 9:25 PRINCESS THE FROG (G) (11:40 2:10 4:30) 7:05 9:35 INVICTUS (PG13) (12:40 4:35) 7:35 10:35 THE BLIND SIDE (PG13) (12:10 4:15) 7:25 10:25 CHRISTMAS CAROL (PG) (11:35) HUDSON CINEMA 10 (330) 656-2233 5339 Darrow, Hudson PURCHASE TICKETS ONLINE: www.fandango.com -CHARGE TICKETS BY PHONE: 1-800-FANDANGO SHERLOCK HOLMES (PG13) (1:20 4:20) 7:20 10:10 IT'S COMPLICATED ID REQ'D, (R) (1:30 7:40 10:20 NINE (PG13) (2:00 5:10) 7:50 10:30 ALVIN THE CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) (2:20 4:40) 7:00 9:20 DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? (PG13) (1:50 4:25) 7:10 9:40 AVATAR (PG13) (1:00 4:30) 8:00 INVICTUS (PG13) (12:50) 6:40 PRINCESS THE FROG (G) (2:10 5:00) 7:15 9:30 UP IN THE AIR ID (R) (1:40 4:10) 7:30 10:00 THE BLIND SIDE 4:00) 6:50 9:50 TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON (PG13).
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I know it was innocent and well meant, but it also strikes me as egregiously ignorant. A. Of course you are overwrought how could you not be? But as you have just seen, comparisons of worries and, for that matter, comparisons of children are offensive. So why should you make them? Your friend was addressing the fact that he misses his daughter and worries about her, knowing that you missed your son and worried about him. Yes, there is an order of magnitude difference but there is also an order of magnitude difference between your situation now and that of the ladies who sought your comfort and sympathy.
You would not have cared to have them bitterly compare the outcome for your son in contrast to their relatives' fate. So Miss Manners begs you to let this go, if you can. And if you cannot, then please confine yourself to saying that you are grateful that your friend's daughter will not be in harm's way. Write to Miss Mannersat Miss or at United Media, 200 Madison 4th Floor, New York, NY 10016. DIRECTORY Terms Title Rating Showtime Code 1230 REGAL CINEMAS Continued Fri.
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(12:05 2:25 4:45) 7:05 9:20 THE BLIND SIDE (12:35 3:50) 7:15 10:05 BROTHERS ID 10:15 INVICTUS (12:25) 6:35 TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON (12:45 3:35) 2012 (3:20) 9:25 CHRISTMAS CAROL (1:05 4:30) 6:55 18348 MIDDLEBURG Bagley Rd. HTS Middleburg 16 Town Square (440) 891-9845 PURCHASE TICKETS ONLINE: www.fandango.com-CHARGE TICKETS BY PHONE: 1-800-FANDANGO ALL STADIUM SEATING AUDITORIUMS SHERLOCK HOLMES (PG13). (12:40 1:10 4:00 4:30) SHERLOCK HOLMES (PG13) .6:50 7:40 9:50 10:30 NINE (PG13) (1:20 4:50) 7:30 10:10 IT'S COMPLICATED ID (R) (1:00 4:10) 10:00 0C UP IN THE AIR ID (R) (2:50) 10:40 ALVIN THE CH CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) (12:00 12:30 2:10 2:40) ALVIN THE CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) (4:20 5:00) 6:40 7:10 ALVIN AVATAR THE CHIPMUNKS: SQUEAKUEL (PG) (PG13) (12:20 12:50 3:40 4:40) AVATAR (PG13) .7:00 8:00 10:20 DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? (PG13) (1:30 3:50) 6:30 9:30 INVICTUS (PG13). (12:45) 7:25. PRINCESS THE FROG (G) (12:15 2:30 4:45) 6:55 9:20 UP IN THE AIR ID REa'o.
(R) (12:10 5:15) 7:50 BROTHERS ID REQ (R). (4:25) 10:15 OLD DOGS (12:05 2:20 4:35) THE BLIND SIDE (PG13). (1:15 4:15) 7:15 10:05 TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON (PG13). (1:25 4:05) 7:35 10:35 THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX (PG) (12:25 2:35 4:55) 2012 (PG13) .7:05 10:25 CHRISTMAS CAROL (PG) 6:45 9:25 RICHMOND TOWN SQUARE 20 (440) 720-0504 631 Richmond Rd.
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